Already Here, Already Watching

The duck was conspicuous.  For one thing, Hubert’s snorkel was clearly visible in the water beside it.  That it was construction-zone orange was just frosting.

“You know what?” I said, as Hubert sat in the shallows, dripping beneath his orange duck hat.  “I don’t even want to know.”

“It’s a camera,” he said.  “To watch when they come.”

“If they do, they’ll just catch you.  That thing is an eyesore.”

“It’s hunting season,” Hubert sniffed.  “Besides, aliens are colorblind.”

“Come home, Hubert.”  I tugged on his shoulder, and he rose reluctantly. 

Behind us, the ducks watched with dark, silent eyes.

Social Things

Jen opened her closet and froze.  “What is all this?”  She plucked at a random pair of jeans from the waist-high mound on the floor.  “I think I’d remember being able to afford these.”

“I swapped them.”  The cat leaped to the dresser.  “Remember you said Vivianne was the most popular girl in school?”

Jen didn’t answer, slumping slowly to the floor.

“Well,” the cat went on, “now she’ll smell like you, and everyone will think you’re popular, too!”  She licked a paw and scrubbed her cheek in satisfaction.  “And you keep saying social things are too difficult for me.”

Lazy Sunday Afternoons in Hell

Me and Satan were walking down the street when one of them lost souls come up to us and wanted to hand.  I checked the sky, but weren't no angels around, so I shrugged and asked Satan if it was okay and he shrugged and asked me if it was okay and we shrugged at the lost soul.

"Hey, how's life?" I asked.

"It hurts."

"Did you catch the game last night?" Satan asked.

"It hurts."

I kind of smiled a little because, you know, those lost souls, man.  "What are your thoughts on the pulling-off of Band-Aids?"

The soul looked right at me and its eyes were dark and deep like a hole and I fell in and I would fall forever and I knew there were spikes at the bottom just waiting all blood and rust.  I looked away.

"It hurts," the soul said.

And it does.

Unlocking the Beast Within: A Support Group for Special People

“I know it’s could be worse.”  Dutch scratched behind his ears, which flapped.  “But were-Dalmatian is so... specific.  Anonymity?  Ha!”

“I’d take Dalmatian over mosquito,” Bert whined.

“At least no one makes silver flyswatters,” Vern said comfortingly.  Vern was a were-raven, which was almost traditional. 

“Still hurts,” Bert muttered.

Vern turned to a rotund figure, who was staring at the cookie on his plate with the saddest expression anyone had ever seen.  “How about you, friend?  Care to introduce yourself?”

“Panda,” he said.

There was a pause.  “They only eat bamboo, don’t they?”

“Yes.”  The man stared at his cookie.

---

Don't neglect the giveaway! I'll select the prizewinner on Friday, and so far there's only one entrant...

Stacks

The library was quiet.  Hushed.  Stifling.  The air was corralled behind concrete walls and pressed under the weight of years until it seemed to have the consistency of porridge.  Merely opening the door sent dust sweeping away in great gray clouds. 

On the shelves, the books slumbered, half of them grown so fragile that only the unbroken stillness let them retain their shape.  They slumped into piles of rot as as passed.

The librarian gripped my arm – not even those of her order would dare to speak here – and pointed down.

Footsteps in the dust.

Leading back outside. 

Only outside.

---

Don't forget the UFO giveaway!  And bonus news: the original UFO will soon be available at Barnes and Noble!  Only a hundred copies or so total, but still, that's pretty huge for a small press.  Shvartsman is some sort of minor deity of marketing.

Kickstarter for UFO 2 is still going on...

UFO 2 Kickstarter

Hey, guys!  The Unidentified Funny Objects anthology series is semi-officially now a series.  UFO 2 has a Kickstarter going, and it's running low on steam.  Head on over and check it out (and don't forget about the original anthology, too, which contains my story "The Alchemist's Children" among many more exciting attractions.)  It's a lovely book with great stories and very, very high production values.  I endorse it on just about every level.

To help generate some interest, I am hereby offering up one of my contributor's copies of the original for free.  Post a joke in the comments thread here to enter (or just post if you don't know any good jokes, but seriously, this is the Internet; you have all the jokes in the world at your fingertips somewhere).  I'll do a random drawing in a week and send that person a copy of the first Unidentified Funny Objects.

If you contribute anything to the Kickstarter for UFO2, even just a dollar, then I'll enter your name *twice* in the drawing.  INCENTIVES!

:-D

Life Bursting Out All Over

The trees dances, their branches throwing up flocks of leaves that flew, spiraling on the breeze.  We walked down the street and the grass was waving and it tickled my legs and Kat laughed and laughed.  The cars shouted and the windows opened to breathe in the air and the pollen. 

It was springtime.

Then Kat stopped.  She clutched at my hand, tugged so hard it almost came off.  She pointed.  A leaf was drifting along the road, brown and curled.  Moving with the wind, not against it.  Just drifting.

“Look,” Kat said.  “Oh, look, the poor thing.  It’s dead.”

Coat Check

The coat was there when I started.  Green leather, ancient and ragged.  Every night, it’s joined by dozens of others.  Every morning, it remains, along with the inevitable left-behinds.  The other coats are eventually picked up by embarrassed owners, but not this one.

I tried asking about it.  All I get are blank stares.  Like they don’t even see it.

When you touch it, you can tell it’s not leather.  It smells like leaves and dancing.

I work hard.  I keep my head down.  I don’t want to lose this job. 

I’ll be here when he comes back for it.