Jangleangle

You can get used to anything, my uncle Otto used to say.  That’s probably pretty true.  I don’t think about it much because the Noise gets louder when I do.

For me, the Noise sounds like an alarm clock in the next room.  Most of the time it does, anyway.  Sometimes it gets closer, when... you know.

Yeah, don’t think too hard about that.   Did it spike?  You’ve got to be careful.  That looked like it kind of hurt.

Oh, I don’t remember much before the Noise.  I wasn’t born with it, but I was pretty little.  I’m almost as good as most of the younger kids; they don’t even have to try to avoid thinking wrong.

What?  What?

Hold on.

Sorry.  I was... I got distracted.  I was confused.  I’m okay now.

Oh, I was telling you.  I was telling you something.  Acclimation.

Right, yes.  It was Tony.  I mean, Tony isn’t here anymore.  That’s a thing I had to get used to.

Ow.  No, I’m fine.  I said I’m fine.

Anyway.  Tony.  I saw him last, you know?  I’m the one who had to...  He was always in the basement.  He called it his “laboratory,” but it was a stupid basement and that’s all it was, okay?

Five years.  He was five years older.  So he had, you know, he knew Mom and Dad before the Noise came and taught us the right way.  To think.  The proper way.  Not many people remember moms and dads.

Tony kind of helped raise me.  Like a volunteer Mentor.  I mean, everyone does it now, yes, of course, and that’s the right way and proper, but this was before, in the early days.  The chaos.  He did it because he wanted to.

Ow.  Right.  Yes, of course everyone wants to, that’s the right way, yes.  That’s the right.  Way.  But it was different somehow when Tony.

What?  What?

Sorry.  No, I was just.  Thinking.  Tony was bad, okay?  And it’s hard for me because I liked what he did, what he was in those.  In the days.  Before.  But he was bad.  He did bad stuff.

It was in the laboratory.  He made a bad thing.  I went down there.  I went to get him because I had some food.  Some cans.  It was.  I had to work hard to get them.  I think.  It’s.  I can’t remember.

I went down and it was quiet.

Ow.  No, look, this is important.  I can do this.

Ow.  No!  I will.  I’m going to say it.

It was quiet.  And he.  Tony.  He looked up at me with a big grin, his big stupid teeth.  He looked at.  Smiled.  At me.  And he said, “I did it.”  And I didn’t ask him what.  Because.  It was quiet.

I had to.  The Noise shows us the right way.  He made it stop.  His machine.  I had to stop him.  I had to stop the quiet.  That was... the right way.

No, I’m fine.  I’m okay now.  It’s... everything’s fine.  Just remember.  You should.  I can’t.   Remember.  What I told you.  You have to.

Listen.  You have to.

Hear that?

Already Here

We didn’t find out about the invasion for a while.  They said on the news the aliens looked like us and talked like us and were generally exactly like us except they came from space and we didn’t.  They came down and lived among us, infiltrating every country, every institution, every life.  But there was a test, they said on the news.  And they started bringing people in, one by one.

The news has gone quiet since the tests finished.  Every last one of us tested, and now we know who the aliens are.  They’ll make the announcement any minute.

Phony Jokes Wee Half Herd

The Firstly Phony Jokes is: How mene aleans buzz it take chang a lite boob?!

Answering: Many!  The Jokes is that wee half no maths!  Yore people think that is phony!!!

The Second Phony Jokes! Is! Y did the A-lines cross thee rode?

Answering! I know not butter they shoed go back to there ware they come from@@

Lasting Phony Jokes is not a Jokes it is a Griddle

The Griddle is::: Have U R U no how it is working the lazy guns our Deaf Rays?

U CAN FIND OUTING!!! NOW!!!

Hello tap tap hello wee R behind.

U.

Apparently What You Want

"These are some of the first off the assembly lines.  Here, for instance, is a mate-scanner.  It will find you someone completely at odds with your personality profile, then administer electric shocks if you try to leave the relationship.  No?  How about this weapon, guaranteed to kill you or a loved one rather than your target thirty-seven percent of the time?  Not that, either?  Perhaps this hand-held assistant: simply push the button to ruin all of your dreams and leave you in the wreckage of your former life.  None of them?  Really?  Odd.  Our market research indicated otherwise..."

Development Cycle

The aliens invaded.  They put up an app on their website.

(The aliens had a website, by the way.  It was kind of bare-bones.)

Millions of people downloaded it.  It was a great app.  Really useful.

The aliens were going to activate the mind-control chips.  Then they could rule the world.

But by then they were making a lot of money.  They thought maybe they could do better with version 2.0. 

That one only got three stars average, though.  The aliens launched a retaliatory strike.  They pushed the button.

And nothing happened.

The vampires had a new viral video out.

Inside Outside

The aqua-pod thrummed as it veered away, still rocked by the intense currents surrounding the alien creature. They watched it recede in the rear-view cameras.

"Dear God, Thorenson," said Cornelius. "What is that growing all over its skin?"

Dr. Thorenson shook his head. "That's not skin. It's stomach lining."

"It's wounded?"

"No. It's meant to be that way. Its vestigial limbs are within its involuted body. The tail is intestine; it swims by peristalsis, summons the inflow of water with its esophagus. As far as it's concerned, we're all already in its stomach. It's only a matter of digesting us."

Schmooze

"I think the Ambassador is drunk," Ceu whispered. "He's acting very odd. When I tried to shake his hand, he just sat there, arms limp."

Bosiz glanced over at the mustached man by the punch bowl. The Ambassador was splashing one hand vaguely on the surface of the pinkish liquid, apparently watching the ripples.

"That's not the Sapiri Ambassador," Bosiz said. She pointed to the tiny gray nodules that ringed the man's head. "Those are."

"You mean...?" Ceu swallowed and rubbed his palms on his pants.

"The Sapiri are a parasitic fungus." Bosiz smirked. "You'll want to wash your hands."

Cripple

"Good Lord!" Vio leapt back from the puddle of slime and debris. He gasped when it extended a febrile eyestalk. "What is it?"

Yotl flushed a darker orange. "A homeless veteran of the Shhshs wars. Pass him by."

"Hunh," Vio said, glancing over his shoulder. "I've never seen a Shhshs without a shell."

"He is Zssvhs. He saved the last remnants of his kind when he shed his shell to slip between the joints of the flagship and manually eject the core."

"A hero!" Vio was aghast. "And he just lives on the streets?"

"He shed his shell," Yotl said.

Present Future

The box was sleek and shiny, like most of their products. No one could claim the aliens weren't accommodating, at least. Every whim and request was met almost obsequiously.

"We have making of for you a give," said the Ambassador laboriously. They insisted on speaking English rather than relying on machine translation. They felt it was a matter of courtesy. "The gift is the future."

"Pardon?" Major Michaels hadn't gotten very much sleep last night, after he'd discovered the full-tactile holosuite.

"Given we you your future."

The box gleamed.

"When do we open it?" Michaels asked.

Family Life

I hung up the phone. "I have to go. She's my sister."

Darby's nictitating membranes covered four of her eyes. "This is... obligatory? A law?"

"No, no," I said, heading to the closet and hauling down my suitcase. "It's just... family. Humans help their families when they need it. Love and stuff."

The coverlet dimpled as Darby shifted position on the bed. "For us, the parent lays many eggs, more than can feed. The first-born eat the unhatched. Later eat the weaker sisters. The strong survive, only. Very different."

"It's nicer this way, huh?" I smirked.

Darby buzzed. "Inefficient."

The Risks We Never Contemplate

"I can never feel wholly relaxed on your planet," the Ambassador remarked. The plastic tank containing his crystal matrix sloshed as he walked beside us on six robotic legs.

"If you're referring to the recent unrest, sir, I assure you-"

"No, no, you misunderstand." The Ambassador flashed an embarrassed turquoise. "I have every faith in your security forces. It's just... these oxygen worlds. Back home, we keep oxygen safely sequestered, deep underground. Toxic stuff. Hazardous. But here, it's a staple of life. It's astounding to us." He paused thoughtfully. "Everything is burning, all the time, and you never even notice."

True Believer

"Jesus is the son of God, and no one is saved except through Him."

"Yes, I believe that."

"Allah is the only god, and Mohammad is His prophet."

"I believe that, too."

"...act now, or miss out on the best deals of the summer!"

"I believe it!"

"You can't believe all of this. It's contradictory."

"And yet I do. I believe it all. Humans are so limited, so single-minded. We believe with full knowledge of the contradictions, for to us, believing only one thing would be likewise contradictory."

"This is ridiculous. I'd never do something so stupid."

"I believe you."

Pet Stains

The cat crawled in on his belly, making sounds like, "hoork, hooork," and wheezing worse than our fifteen-year-old vacuum.

"Gotta do that here, you bastard?" I asked.

The cat's ears flattened, and he rolled one baleful eye at me. "Hraaaack!" he said. "Glortch." He barfed up a wet trickle of brown-orange gunk. Something silvery glinted in the puddle. I leaned over.

It was a little disc with a clear bubble in the middle. Inside, a tiny, green-skinned man pounded on the glass, staring at me with terrified eyes.

Then the dog swooped in and ate it.

Just as well, really.

Intermediary

The translator stood beside the breakfast table, all spindly gray limbs. Chuck sat heavily in his chair.

"Morning," said Betsy. "I made pancakes."

"She greets you fondly," said the translator. "Though she knows it is irrational, she feels abandoned as you spend increasing amounts of time at work."

Chuck grunted.

"He remains groggy," said the translator, "and feels incapable of abstract emotional exchanges. He nonetheless greets you fondly. He would like three pancakes."

"This is so much easier," said Betsy, settling at the table. "Soon we won't need to speak at all!"

The translator smiled silently down at them both.

Earthlings

The orange-skinned invaders pushed in through the breach in the walls. Arcs of violet energy sparked overhead as the last of our defenders fell, senseless. Webs of alien force disabled our weapons. The alarm shrilled. Livy went for the trigger, the last-ditch suicide bomb, but she was too late. We were surrounded.

"So that's it," Ymir said. Crimson, three-fingered hands took his rifle away. "We're finished."

"No," the alien said. "Now the work can begin."

"Work?" Visions of chain gangs and salt mines flashed in my head.

"Yes," another alien burbled. "Medicine. Food. Rebuilding. This is our world, too, now."

A Few Errands

Visn paused upon entering the store.  He wasn't used to the full-body tactile sensations yet, although he was more-or-less a master of bipedal locomotion and a tolerably confident user of opposable thumbs. 

Visn consulted his list.  Pick up groceries.  He glanced around; the array of shelves was dizzying in sheer number.  He began to feel nervous.  Then he read farther.  "Eggs, milk, bread."  Visn relaxed and smiled.

He navigated to the dairy section, pondered his choices, and hefted one carton briefly before replacing it.  "This human thing is going to be a cinch," Visn said, beginning his search for eggs.

Hope for the Future

Wade brought an alien to the party, and everyone wanted to meet it.  We'd heard their race could see the future.

"I can't imagine," Kary said.  "It must be so depressing, knowing exactly when you're going to die."

At first, the alien seemed confused by the questions, blinking its beady, spider-like eyes and clutching its translator box in all three hands.  Then it straightened, as if with sudden realization.

"Your people... cannot... frell?"  The word they use for their perceptions has no equivalent in any Earth language.  Its blue skin darkened: a horror/fear/disgust response.  "How can you survive the uncertainty?"

A Traveller From a Distant Land

"Stupid alien! Stupid ugly alien!" Tommy was flailing his bat – the good wooden one he'd begged and begged for last Christmas – and hitting something on the ground. Darlene sighed.

"Tommy! Stop that; you'll ruin your toys. And come in. It's almost dark. Time to wash up and set the table."

"But Mommm! I'm killing aliens!"

"You can do that later. Dinner is in ten minutes. March, mister."

Tommy groaned and trudged inside, dragging his bat on the ground. Behind him, the crumpled helmet gleamed metallically as one of three slender limbs reached quiveringly upwards, then fell again, still and silent.

First Contact

The speakers growled and chattered gibberish. "Someone tell me what I'm listening to," said MacMullan.

"Well, we keep watch on a number of frequency bands, as you know..." Vittier began.

MacMullan snapped his fingers. "Skip it. Digest version."

"It's a signal that appears, to our best calculations, to be originating from somewhere in Ontario." Vittier pointed to the map. "We're not sure how they boosted the signal so much. It's aimed at SZ104.5.12, an A-class main sequence star. It... it seems to have been answered. We intercepted a response."

"Someone's communicating with ETs?"

"Yes, sir." Vittier coughed. "In Klingon."

Roadkill

The pickup truck purred softly to itself, halogen bulbs illuminating the road ahead. Buck scratched under his hat. Toby was poking at a flaccid, greenish lump, its tentacles sprawled across the center line.

"What're you gonna do?"

"We're rich, Buck." Toby looked up, eyes gleaming. "We killed us an alien."

"Ain't nobody gonna pay for no flat aliens, Toby. They want 'em alive. And what if it's got friends? Angry friends."

Toby grunted and stood. "Shit. Could be messy." He snapped his fingers. "I got it! We ain't killed an alien, Buck."

"We ain't?"

"Nope. We ran over a critter."