Occupant

Dear Occupant,

We regret to inform you this house has been selected for the 2006 Murder-Suicide Haunting. As the owner/resident, there are several steps you should take:

1) A reliable local Laundromat. Blood stains are stubborn, especially when washed with more blood.

2) Food storage issues. Items left in the house for longer than two (2) hours will be filled with writhing maggots.

3) Child safety. If you are a parent, use caution when approaching any child staring fixedly at an unusual object, particularly televisions or radios broadcasting static.

Further details are in the accompanying pamphlet, “Multi-Vital Households and You.” Please read thoroughly.