Advice

The small dog had been following him for weeks.  Even at work.  Even in the shower.  It trotted beside him now, as streams of office drones headed out for the restaurants.

"That lady isn't looking," the dog said.  "Steal her purse.  Eat her lipstick."

He ignored it and kept walking. 

"You can make it.  Run across the street ahead of that bus."

"Look," he said, "even if you were real, your advice is clearly terrible.  Why would I do anything except the opposite of whatever you say?"

The dog paused thoughtfully.  "Don't take off your pants.  Avoid running around naked."

Word of God

The tiny people lined every surface.  Toby tugged his robe closed.  They watched him expectantly.

"Would you like coffee?" he asked them.

"A prophecy!" one said.  "Truly, in final days, we WILL desire stimulation!"

"Nonsense!" said another.  "Notice the word 'like.'  We are akin to coffee, for we grow in the soil of our faith and are roasted by the fires of temptation-"

"Heresy!"

"Stop it," Toby snapped.  "All of you!"

"Ah, truly we WILL eventually cease to be!"

"Gibberish!  The commandment was clear..."

The argument resumed.  Toby gritted his teeth and said nothing for as long as he could.

Ave Caesar!

The salad wailed when it was placed on the table.  "I do not like yon Cassie; she has a lean and hungry look," it said.

Cassandra stabbed several leaves and a crouton with her fork.  "Aiee, et, too?" the salad cried as she chewed.

"How's your sandwich?" she asked Borden.  Borden did not answer.  He lay face down on the table, a bloody knot visible on the back of his head.  The burly man behind him leaned forward and gently placed a knotty wooden club on the table beside a scoop of coleslaw.

"I'm fine, thanks," the club-wielding man said.

Disruption

The fire rained down outside.  The earth shook, and the building quivered.

"Come on, Steve!"  The lights flickered out, leaving the offices in darkness.  Shouts and bangs came from the elevators.

Steve opened up his PDA and kept working.  "I can't leave," he said.  "I'm too busy."

"It's the end of the world, you idiot!" we cried.

He sighed and opened his calendar program.  "This will throw off my schedule for weeks," he said.  He entered a short-notice event labeled "Save the World."  He snapped the leather case shut decisively.

Outside, there was silence.  The lights gradually came on again.

He Who Undoes This Knot Shall Rule the Suburbs

Alex, it's time to put up the Christmas lights.

Yes, already.

I know you don't want to, but the kids look forward to it so much.  I'd do it myself, but I can't reach the top of the porch even with the stepladder. 

They're up in the attic, same as every year.  Where else would they go?

Well, it's a big, stiff, knotted string all piled up.  I'm sure it's tangled like crazy.  That's just how these things work.

Because that's how Gordie put them away last year.

Alex, hon, put down that sword before the kids see.  Honestly, dear...

Architectural Wonders

"My web is finally finished!" said the spider.  "Look at how strongly it's anchored.  See how tightly it's woven.  It might last for a month, maybe longer, even without any repairs at all!"

Two ants observed from a safe distance, trusting their disagreeable flavor to protect them from predation.  "IT seems sad to think that his web will die with him at the season's end," said one.

"Spiders are ridiculous," said the other.  "Now, our anthill, some of its stones are as big as a whole ant, and the tunnels extend for inches all around.  That will last an eternity!"

Alternate Route

The bridge groaned underneath them as the severed end swayed, their car precariously balanced on a strip of concrete and metal that extended into the void and stopped.  Ends of rebar and jagged chunks of stone marked the edge.  Ahead of them, the wall of scaled flesh seemed endless, slithering past with long, slow movements.  Both Dan and Shannon held their breath, afraid that the monster would somehow hear any movement, for all that its head was at least a half a mile away by now.

"Recalculating," said the pleasant European voice from their dashboard.  "Please return to highlighted route."

Document in Safe Deposit Box 0005

MOTHER –

AM SENDING MESSAGE UPON ARRIVAL AT DESTINATION AS REQUESTED STOP

UNFORTUNATELY MUST REPORT DID NOT ARRIVE SAFELY CAUSE UNCERTAIN BUT EXTREMELY FATAL STOP

AM FORWARDING MESSAGE FROM AFTERLIFE BUT ENCOUNTERING TEMPORAL COMPLICATIONS NO CELLPHONES NO COMPUTERS ONLY TELEGRAM OPERATORS AT OWN POINT OF ARRIVAL STOP

ACCOMPANYING MESSAGE TO ANCESTORS LAYS OUT DETAILS FOR ENSURING TIMELY DELIVERY GRAMMA'S HEIRLOOM SAFE DEPOSIT KEY NOW LESS MYSTERIOUS STOP

DO NOT WORRY LOVE MIKE STOP

P.S. PLEASE LOOK AFTER CATS WHO HAVE ARRIVED PRIOR TO ME SEE PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED TEMPORAL COMPLICATIONS CATS REPORT YOU WILL PROVIDE ADEQUATE FOOD BUT INSUFFICIENT EAR SCRITCHES STOP