On Saturday Night

I left God in the hospital waiting room, and mostly I was honest when I told myself it was politeness.

Satan was reaching through the slot on the vending machine.  I stood over him, arms akimbo.  “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Came for a visit,” he said, rolling one eye up at me.

“God doesn’t need your shi-stuff,” I scolded.

“Cheer him up,” said Satan, waving a joint and a handful of porn.

“What the fu-heck is wrong with you?  Jesus!”  I froze. “Shit.”

“Blasphemy!”  Satan’s eyes gleamed, and he grasped my arm.  It burned.  “Owe me a Coke.”

Mixer

God was at the party, which was unexpected. The invitation had been more aspirational than anything else. A wouldn't-it-be-cool-if idea hatched between the vodka and the tequila. No one thought they'd even get past His screeners. But now there He was, pursing His lips and considering the impressive-for-a-college-kid-but-come-on-it's-God selection at the wet bar. Nora thought she should introduce herself. She had questions. She had some pretty serious questions, actually. But surely He knew that already? She adjusted her bra strap and bit her lip. It was a once-in-a-lifetime chance.

The empty space around God didn't fill up all night.

The Last God

Who shall sing your praises, O Lord, with pipe and horn and tambourine, to dance in joy throughout the night?

Not you, O Faithful Revelers.

Who shall build your temples, O Lord, with towers and arches, glass and gold, reflecting your light unto Heaven?

Never you, O Restful Workers.

Who shall give the laws, O Lord, with wisdom and grace, counsel and guidance, that all may know your ways, delighting to follow them?

Anyone but I, O Obedient Children.

How then shall we serve you best, Lord of Procrastination?

You shall do all of these things, and more, Beloved.

Tomorrow.

Word of God

The tiny people lined every surface.  Toby tugged his robe closed.  They watched him expectantly.

"Would you like coffee?" he asked them.

"A prophecy!" one said.  "Truly, in final days, we WILL desire stimulation!"

"Nonsense!" said another.  "Notice the word 'like.'  We are akin to coffee, for we grow in the soil of our faith and are roasted by the fires of temptation-"

"Heresy!"

"Stop it," Toby snapped.  "All of you!"

"Ah, truly we WILL eventually cease to be!"

"Gibberish!  The commandment was clear..."

The argument resumed.  Toby gritted his teeth and said nothing for as long as he could.

Where Shall I Turn?

When God came back, He wasn't what most people had been expecting. He packed up the planets and the stars, put the sun back in its box, and shook the ground out like a rug. He plucked out the trees and wrapped a rubber band around them, folded the mountains, and mopped up the sea with a sponge and a bucket. He coughed, then gathered up lives and souls, plucking them out and tossing them in glittering piles. When we shouted and cried out, He spared us a glance.

"Theft? Injustice?" He rumbled. "These are all mine. They always were."

Apotheosis

He spent the morning learning the tenses of the verb "to cook" and "to sleep" in Spanish. He took his dog for a walk, liberally employing the commands to "Heel!" and "Sit!" At work, he made significant progress on his open accounts; scuttlebutt had it his promotion was in the bag. That evening, he worked with his weights, and was pleased to find that twenty reps came more easily than ever.

"Every day in every way, I am getting better and better," he told his dog. "Soon I will be a god. Then we'll see about the rest of this."

Que Sera Sera

The wheel spins... slows... stops.

"Fire," the priest announces.

"Thank you, Lord!" the parishioner says. He stands, smiles wide and unfeigned. "Thank you!"

The next steps forward. The wheel spins.

"The spikes."

"Blessings upon me," says the parishioner.

Outside, the chanter leads those still waiting for justice in the noon prayer: "We live in the best of all possible worlds, for how can it be otherwise? The dice fall where they must, and we rejoice, for in their faces we glimpse the Divine. Blessed is the Judge. Blessed is the verdict."

Inside, the priest closes his eyes. The wheel spins.

The VCR in Heaven

“Home movie time!” cried God. He was lugging the old cardboard box of VHS cassettes up from the basement.

The cherubim and seraphim on the couch nodded, their grins fixed.

God knelt by the television. “Has someone tampered with this?” He asked. “It’s blinking twelve again.”

“We had that power outage,” volunteered a cherubim. “It probably reset.”

“Hmph,” said God. “It better not eat my tapes. I lost the one of the birth, you know.”

The angelic crowd knew. None of them would admit it. It was perhaps the only decent thing the Lightbringer had done for his fellow angels.