RaPUNzel

The handsome prince stared up at the tower window. "Are you going to do it properly this time?" he called.

"Yes."

"Not just trim off a lock and toss it down?"

"No."

"Not apologizing to your hair for failing to brush it?"

"It wouldn't be funny the second time."

"Right." The prince cleared his throat. "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair."

There was a descending scream and a thump as something long-limbed and gray-furred landed heavily in the roses. After a brief struggle to free itself, the hare bounded into the night.

From above came the sound of smothered laughter.

Figs

The seven angels – Sleepy, Happy, Dopey, Grumpy, Sneezy, Bashful, and the Lord of Hosts – were away working in the fires of Creation, and so Snow White was alone when the Serpent came to the cottage.

“I’ve brought you the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge,” the Serpent hissed. The middle-aged woman who carried it rolled her eyes and shared a wink with Snow White. “Eat it, and gain the wisdom and power they’ve withheld.”

“Wisdom is nice, I suppose,” Snow White said, fingering the apple. “But I’m really more in the prince market right now. Angels are neuter, you know.”

Creeper

He quested across mountains and rivers, through forests and deserts. He battled ogres and trolls. He slew a dragon and forged a shield from its impenetrable scales. He dined with undines and endured the hospitality of kobolds.

When he found the castle, it was sealed in a wall of thorny creepers. His muscles grew weary and his sword gummed with sap as he forced his way through. At last, he entered his beloved's tower room, and with his last strength bestowed a kiss upon her lips.

Her eyes flew open. "God!" she cried. "Can't you take 'no' for an answer?"

From Out the Belly of the Wolf

"We must consider," the wolf's counsel told the jury, "Ms. Hood's prior conduct. A bright red cloak is an... eye-catching ensemble. And entering the woods, knowing wolves lurked there? Incautious, to say the least. She claims that tempting basked of 'goodies' was for her grandmother, an old woman in acknowledged poor health. Hearing all this, I asked myself, 'Is this truly a victim? Or a "party girl"?'"

At the prosecution's table, the woodsman leaned over to Red. "I could go get my axe again..."

Red felt the eyes of the jury on her. "I don't think it can help anymore."

Toadstone

We pulled up to the tollbooth and I glanced at the passenger seat.

"What are you looking at me for?" the toad grumbled.

"I dunno," I said. "In the stories, whenever there's an obstacle, the magical animal says stuff like, 'Do exactly what I say and don't ask questions. Strike me dead and cut open my belly,' and then the hero finds a jewel or something in there and is able to pay the ferryman or buy a new horse or whatever."

The toad goggled. "Fuck that noise," it said. "Here, help me look on the floor for loose change."

Better Wells and Castles

"Unfortunately," said the guide, "this is as far as we can go."

"Afraid to have witnesses?" That was the snotty college kid. He'd spent the tour asking pointed questions and generally ruining it for those of us who came for family entertainment.

The guide smiled and shook her head, her tiara jingling. "Our processes are completely transparent, but some of the production work is hazardous. for example, you may be familiar with our line of blizzard-inducing pillows?"

A gust of frigid air brought the sound of angry honking from the distance.

"Those feathers have to come from somewhere; it's molting season."

Fulfilling the Requirements

“This is futile,” said Catastrophe, the Glass Blade. It hung from its scabbard on the saddlebow, since the prince could hardly be expected to wear it just now.

Prince Ailu, perched somewhat precariously on his saddle, licked a paw and preened his whiskers. “I don’t see what’s so hard about this. I’m a prince, the third of three sons, bearing a magic sword and laboring under a terrible curse. I’m a natural choice for the quest. Princess Lazica is as good as rescued.”

“The Dark Lord would likely be more concerned if his sworn foe had opposable thumbs,” said Catastrophe.